Long live, Judge Allred!

OK, so, she’s not really a judge, but, man alive, does that crackpot Gloria Allred knows how to get people’s attention. Most of us know Allred from her long time career as an ambulance-chasing “celebrity lawyer” — she’s the one who takes on all the juicy, high-profile cases now that Johnny Cochran’s dead — but what you might not know is that she also has a totally awesome daytime TV show called We The People With Gloria Allred.

I know what you’re thinking: who needs another lame court room show, right? Well, I thought so too. Actually, I usually loathe court TV shows — have you seen the new The People’s Court? Oy, I wanna punch that show in the face. Not just the judge, the whole show! — but Allred and her savvy producers won this lonely SAHD over on one viewing. And the reason is simple. Unlike so many of the bad court shows on the air today, People focuses on the cases, not the judge. And the result is truly inspired hilarity.

I’m not kidding, man, the cases on this show put the “C” in crazy. And don’t get me started on the litigants. Yikes! I did a little research and it turns out that the litigants are actors reading transcripts from actual cases. A casting call I found for the show made it very clear that they will not, under any circumstances, hire “Union” actors so, not only does that save the producers money, but, it also means that they are using some truly awful actors. So awful, in fact, that I am this close to putting a Season Pass for the show on our Tivo. Yep, it’s that bad/good.

For instance, today’s show featured a taxi driver suing a drunk girl for throwing up in the front seat of his cab and destroying all his electronics. She said he was driving badly and that that is what made her sick, but, you could tell she was a lush (kinda slutty too, sorry, but, she was) and well, I’ll let you guess who ended buying who a new smartphone, XM Radio and GPS system.

And last week there was a birthday party magician suing a mother for making him wait too long in the garage before the party. He was the big birthday surprise for her son and he arrived early for the gig so she stashed him and his props in the sweltering garage for over an hour. So, when the magician finally got around to the pulling-a-rabbit-out-of-his-hat-trick at the party, his rabbit was dead. The mother was counter-suing for emotional distress for all the screaming, traumatized kids at the party, and guess what, dead rabbit aside, she won!

But I think my favorite recent case involved the Silver Lake hipsters (the show is shot here in L.A.) who were suing their hipster cleaning lady for letting their beloved pet pig escape while she was cleaning. The cleaning lady said the pig was desperate for freedom after being forced to live in the city and actually trampled over her as she tried to catch him. Awesome! That one was so good I think I taped it for Mrs. Yeti to watch later. Allred sided with the crazy couple on that case and made the poor vegan cleaning lady pay for the lost pig. Boo!

Anyway, if I haven’t hooked you with these crazy case descriptions yet, then maybe We the People isn’t for you. But, if you like your court room drama on the wacky side, then, check this show out! Oh, and make sure and catch the brief Allred backstory in the opening credits, she makes herself sound like Dolores Huerta or some shit, breaking glass ceilings left and right on her way to the top. Hilarious! Preening self-promotion never sounded so good.

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