Ch-ch-changes…

Spent the entire day cleaning out our closets and watching the Olympics. We are actually totally up to date on most events and we have been taping non-stop since the games began, so, that’s kinda scary. In fact, we’ve been so obsessed with the games that when she was acting up earlier today, I told Greta (jokingly) to go to her room and that I’d play with her in two weeks when they were over.

She didn’t get my joke and she didn’t leave the living room either. So, we got out the coloring books and colored while Mommy cleaned the hall closet and some Kazakh dude won the gold in the men’s road race. Don’t know if you caught it, but, man, that was some serious bike racing. Exciting stuff!

Of course, the biggest news around here today was that we finally removed the changing pad topper from Greta’s dresser. Yay! Honestly, we haven’t used it in weeks, and the covers are kinda nasty, so, it’s just been this weird old cracked-plastic eyesore for a while now. Yep, the plastic is all cracked too. You couldn’t pay someone to take this thing off our hands.

Anyway, I was totally fine with removing it (in theory) but, once Christine got out the screwdriver, I wigged out. I know it sounds crazy, but, something about taking it off and suddenly transforming the changing table into a big-girl dresser just about killed me. Seriously, I almost started crying. In fact, had Greta not been so excited about the look of her new “desk” (that’s what she calls it) I probably would have found some reason to keep it on there. Urgh, what a sap…

I mean, it looks great as a “desk” with a few of Greta’s favorite things on it — she has been talking about how she was gonna “decorate” it all week — but, I had some great memories with that thing. Changing diapers always sucked, but, I loved leaning close and cuddling up with her after she was all jammied up, watching her touch her toes for the first time, or hell, even just drying her off up there after a bath. I know it’s just a piece of furniture, or, you know, the top of a piece of furniture, but, I loved that little thing to death and now…it’s gone.

Well, actually, it’s in the kitchen. We didn’t finish cleaning all the closets yet, so, we’ll take it to the garage with the rest of the junk in the morning. But, you know what I mean, it’s good as gone. And quicker than you can make a David Bowie face and sing “Ch-ch-changes…”, Greta will be good as gone too. I know we still have a while to go on that front, but, the last three years have flown by, what’s to stop the next three, or ten, or twenty from doing the same thing?

Man, where does the time go? Goodbye changing table topper…you will be missed.

Olympic Mascot Games: London 2012

I know what you’re thinking…good lord, is he still talking about the freaking Olympics? They haven’t even started yet! Yes, I’m still talking about them, but, this time I’ll be super brief. I just wanted to tell you about some cool Olympic Mascot Games I found on the London 2012 website just now.

Like I mentioned earlier, I’ve been geeking out about the games all day today and while searching for some pictures of the Olympic games for Greta, I found these online games instead. She can’t play most of them alone yet, but, lemme tell ya, she absolutely LOVED the make your own mascot game. We already have a nice little collection of our saved Wenlock and Mandeville’s online and Greta loves looking at them. I still think the mascots themselves are kinda creepy, but, the games and other activities on their site are really fun and highly-addictive.

So, if you have kids at home — or even if you don’t! — I recommend checking out some of these super cool mascot games for yourself. At the very least they’re an awesome way to keep the little ones occupied while Mommy and Daddy watch the stirring Badminton finals next week.

Olympic Mania

OK, I know I should be focusing on other stuff today — you know, like that stack of dishes in the sink or that stack of Barbies on the floor in Greta’s bedroom — but, all I can think about are the Opening Ceremonies for the Olympics tonight in London. And since it has already started in real time, I’ve been online all afternoon reading about all the cool shit that’s happening across the pond. I suppose I could find a live feed somewhere too, but, that would be like opening your Christmas presents early, so, I’ll suck it up and wait to watch the whole event “live” tonight.

That said, I will tell you two things that are due to happen tonight and they both sound totally rad. One, Duran Duran is going to perform, and two, someone dressed as the Queen is gonna parachute into the arena at some point. I also heard that they blast the Sex Pistols and the James Bond theme at various points in the ceremony too. Ha! So awesome! I can’t wait…

Oh yeah, and try as I might, I could not get Greta to wear anything red, white and blue today, but, she did settle on a dress that is vaguely English-schoolgirl-ish, so, that’ll do. Now, if I could only remember where I put my Michael Phelps wetsuit…

P&G’s London Olympic Mom Clip

As any long-time reader knows, we are huge fans of the Oympics in these parts. I had a friend who once joked that the only sport Mrs. Yeti and I watch is “Olympics”, and he wasn’t far off. We might not watch football or baseball, but every couple of years we burn the hell out of our Tivo taping every event we can during the Olympics.

And with the Opening Ceremonies set to take place this Friday in London, well, we’ve been fools for anything Olympic-related for weeks now. So, when I caught an airing of the American-Mom only version of this new ad from Proctor & Gamble, I cried my ass off and thought it was brilliant.

But, then I found this International-Mom clip and, well, I haven’t stopped crying yet. It really is advertising gold. So beautiful! The only thing that would make it better was if they had one for Dad’s too. Enjoy and see you at the games!

Back to the Future

As someone pointed out recently on Facebook, we are now living in the era depicted as the far-off future in the Back To The Future movies. Weird, huh? Remember when July of 2012 seemed like, well, twenty-plus years away? Man, time really does fly, and nothing reminds you of it more than attending your 25th high school reunion.

That’s right, the weekend I’d been dreading and dieting for — sadly, Project X went out the window and stayed out most of the weekend — happened last weekend, and the good news is, I survived. Actually, I had a blast. I didn’t attend my 20th reunion, so, I don’t have a frame of reference here, but, my tenth sucked ass. Seriously, it was terrible. Everyone was showing off their degrees, their fancy new jobs, and just like everyone else, all I wanted to do was win the “Most Unusual Career” award.

I know it sounds stupid now, but, I had recently sold a couple of scripts and I was obsessed with winning that stupid award. And then I won it and nothing changed. Nobody cared that I was a professional motion picture screenwriter except me. And, honestly, even I didn’t care that much at that point. It was so lame. And on top of all that, the actual event was super boring and they didn’t even play 80’s music!

So, when the 20th rolled around and we already had plans to be in Graceland for Elvis Week 2007, I figured I wasn’t missing much, so, we skipped it. The people I know who went said it was pretty lame too, so, I guess people were still preening and trying to one-up one another. You know, by like lusting after cheesy awards and shit. How embarrassing…

But by the 25th, well, let me tell ya, nobody cares what you do or where you live, all they wanna do is party down and reminisce about the old days. There are no more egos, almost everyone is fatter (thank God!) and way older looking than you remember, but, seriously, the best part about it was that nobody cares about any of that high school bullshit that used to seem so damned important. All that mattered last weekend was that you were healthy and alive, the rest of it just kind of faded away in the ether like smoke from a clove cigarette.

Another cool thing about the weekend is that there were actually two separate events on Saturday night. The official 25th High School Reunion and a smaller, less-formal multi-year gathering organized by the drama mags at a bar downtown. I was never in drama, but, my brother and many of our good friends lived and died by the drama mag code of honor, so, we ditched out of the official party early and headed downtown to join the fun.

We missed everything but the tail end of the official drama mag party, but, luckily, caught up with the gang just as they were heading to the “after-party” at the home of one of my oldest childhood friends. So, we hopped back in the car and headed to Safeway for booze — we bought wine coolers for old times sake, and lemme tell ya, time has not been kind to Bartles & James. Seriously, cough medicine has more subtlety of flavor. Yikes! — and then descended upon Susan’s house in a swarm.

The party itself was kind of a blur of laughter and crazy drama mag antics. We ate, we drank, we talked and even though I didn’t get nearly as drunk as I would have liked to — um, hello, I am a father now — spending time with people who knew you when was kind of magical. It really was…

Of course, getting back in sync with real life once we returned home has been brutal — let’s just say it’s been a long week with lots of sleep-deprived temper tantrums, fits of rage and screaming, and that’s just on my end –but, sometimes, the memories of a really amazing weekend can get you through anything.

Pee on the Dancefloor…

Having seen it happen many times to other kids and parents at dance class, it was inevitable that Greta would wet herself during class at least once. And today it happened in spades. I’m not kidding, they need to sound a flash flood warning when Greta pees, because, she unleases a torrent.

Luckily for us, it was a “Black Swan” day — that’s what Greta calls herself when she wears her black on black leotard and tights — so the pee running down her legs and filling her tap shoes was hardly visible at all. At least to anyone else. And even luckier still was the fact that Greta wasn’t embarrassed at all about peeing herself in class. Some of the girls run out of the studio in tears, so, I was worried she might do the same. But, actually, I think Greta thought it was kinda funny.

So, I just smiled, whisked her into the bathroom, and quickly changed her from a dripping-wet “Black Swan” to a freshly-scrubbed “White Swan” quicker than you can say spare leotards and tights. Three minutes later, she was back out there dancing her little heart out. And when the class ended, I even got a shout-out from Greta’s teacher, the comely Miss Sommer, who looked me square in the eye and said: “Good recovery, Dad!”

Thank you kindly, Miss Sommer. It’s good to know that sometimes, even I get it right.

My Time

Spent Saturday ringing in the 80th birthday of my Grandmother with family and friends. The party itself was great, lots of food, retro candy bars, pink lemonade, sweet-ass cupcakes and entirely way too many songs sung by my aunts and uncles. Yep, you heard me right, during the speechifying portion of the party, several of the children sang their tributes to my Grandma and it was…well, kind of a freak show.

It’s not to say they can’t sing, because some of them totally can, but, wow…watching these grown-ass men and women duke it out for their solo in the spotlight was beyond unsavory. Fearful that one of his siblings might be getting more attention than himself, one of my uncles actually started juggling in the middle of the after-party at my Grandma’s house. Juggling! He even brought his own juggling clown bowling pins and shit. Like I said…total freak show.

Anyway, at that same after-party I struck up a conversation with one of my singing aunts (who is usually my favorite of the freak show faction of the family) and told her how great she looked. “Have you lost weight?” I asked. “Yes, almost 25 pounds!” She purred back. I pressed her further for details — which wasn’t hard, considering how much this aunt likes to talk, especially about herself — and she explained that she too was on Project X.

Hearing this, I got very excited and told her that Mrs. Yeti and I were trying really hard to stick to the tenets of Project X ourselves. Hearing this, my Aunt stopped cold, quickly scanned my body from head to toe and said: “Well, when it’s your time, you’ll stick to the diet.” She then leaned in real close, put a hand on each of my shoulders and said: “But, hey, you’re good as you are right now too.”

Silence. I just stood there for a stunned beat, staring at my aunt. Did that big old pot just call my kettle ass fat? I mean, wow, if she’s this nice when I compliment her, just imagine what she’d be like if I said something mean. Of course, I knew her heart was in the right place and that she didn’t mean to sound like a smug, little, newly-thin bitch, but, unfortunately, that’s exactly what she sounded like. And, instead of thinking of some pithy comeback all I did was grumble silently to myself, for like, fifteen minutes straight, while she spouted off all the great things that have happened to her since she lost the weight. Seriously, she was giving me recipes and shit. It was brutal.

Luckily I was pulled away to the living room at that point by Mrs. Yeti (good save, sweetie!) so, I never got the chance to punch my aunt in her newly flat gut or lay her low with some snappy, withering comeback. But, trust me, I’m working on it, and the next time we meet in the field of battle, dear Auntie, I won’t be so easily defeated.

In the meantime, back to Project X. One week to go till the reunion and whether it’s “my time” or not, I’m gonna lose me some more weight…if for no other reason than to shove it down my Aunt’s warbling gullet. Ah, ain’t family grand?

Getting back up…

I’m probably totally mangling the quote, but, someone once said something along the lines of: “It’s not how we fall that defines us, but, what we do after we get back up.” Whatever the exact wording is, that has been my mantra this week as I try to get back on track with Project X.

Yes, it’s true, I fell off the wagon last week. Big time. Truth be told, I’ve kind of had one foot off the wagon for a couple of weeks now. That’s not to say I wasn’t still trying to lose weight and eat healthier, I just wasn’t as focused as I’d been before. I’m not blaming Greta, but, man, she has been keeping me busy lately, and, unfortunately, when Daddy gets busy, cooking at home is the first thing to go out the window. I just don’t have the energy.

Luckily, my 25-year high school reunion is coming up in two weeks, and lord knows, nothing motivates a fat ass like having to see a bunch of old friends that knew you before you were a fat ass. Urgh, I know it’s stupid, but, seeing people I haven’t hung out with since my 10-year reunion, and probably won’t see again till my 30th, has been my driving motivation to drop a few pounds.

So, starting Monday, I was back on Project X full time. No bread, no carbs, no chips, not even a nibble on the leftover crust from Greta’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich today. I licked the shit out of the knife, but, I didn’t eat the crust, so, hooray for me. Seriously, I’ve been very good and it’s kinda driving me insane. Of course, the last time I felt this crazy I ended up losing some serious weight, so, hey, whatever works…

make. see. eat. do.

Wow, this heat must be going to my head because I totally forgot that today is Free Slurpee Day at 7-11 stores nationwide. And while the heat of the day may be burning off, that doesn’t mean there’s not still time to get out there and get your free Slurpee on. So, have one on me, amigos!

Oh, and stay away from the Sugar-Free Mango flavor. I tried it recently in an effort to stick to my diet and, lord in heaven, it is a total abomination. Seriously, it’s the worst Slurpee flavor I’ve ever tasted, and I’ve had them all…so, avoid the Sugar-Free Mango at all costs! You’ll thank me later…

And, once again, Happy Free Slurpee Day 2012, everyone!

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Going strapless…

Ever get the feeling that things are changing too fast for your taste? Urgh, try raising a toddler. I swear, by the time I’m used to one stage or routine, we’re already well onto another. It’s kind of insane, but, I guess the best thing that can be said about dealing with such rapid-fire change is that it makes me a little more flexible. A little. I mean, I still hate change, but, I’ve come to realize I am helpless in its wake…so, now I just kinda go with it.

So, it was with a very heavy heart that Mrs. Yeti and I removed the snap-tight safety straps from Greta’s Stokke highchair. The truth is, she hasn’t even worn them that often in the past few months, but, to me, those straps were a reminder of the tiny little baby we used to have to be so careful with.

It’s not that we’re not careful with her anymore, it’s just that she’s so fiercely-independent these days that the straps were simply not working for her. She actually threatened to remove them by herself if we didn’t get on it soon. So, last night, Mrs. Yeti and I pulled out the toolbox and removed the seat back and straps from her highchair and then put it back together.

I know it sounds crazy, but, just the act of disassembling that little chair brought back a flood of memories — baby Greta “test driving” the chair at the store before we bought it, the little blanket we used to have to wrap around her waist so she wouldn’t slide out of the seat, eating her first rice cereal, all those cute-ass bibs we used to have and the way she’d sit in her chair and laugh and smile at me while I danced around the kitchen making her food — man, it was intense.

And even today as I watched her push her newly, “big girl-ized” chair to the table and climb up in it to eat, I realized that someday, this too would be a sweet memory of simpler times. I know that “the only constant is change” and all that, but, jeez, does it all need to happen so quickly?