Bad Words

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before or not, but we have a bit of a “bad word” problem at our house these days. It all started when I, in a fit of totally-inappropriate road rage, honked my horn and called a fellow driver a “Fucking Idiot!”. Yes, Greta was in the car with me and yes, I know I should’ve known better, but, wow, that chick really was driving like a fucking idiot and, well…actually, that’s my only excuse. Sorry.

Anyway, months passed. Literally. Entire months passed with no mention of the dreaded “bad words” I had uttered. And then one day, while we were looking for parking at the library, someone in the parking lot honked their horn at another driver and Greta busted up laughing, pointed at the cars and said: “Look, Daddy…a fucking idiot!” Yep, that’s me, SAHD of the year. Urgh…I just about died.

I’d like to say that since that day Greta has never again said those two choice words aloud, but, I’d be lying. Whenever possible, I do try to use the term “sweetheart” in lieu of swearing these days, and, for the most part, Greta has followed suit. In fact, she says “sweetheart” like a character from an old gangster movie, it’s kind of hilarious. But, substitute swear words aside, she still lets loose a good, old-fashioned “fucking idiot” when we least expect it, so, again, bring on the parenting medals.

And now, she’s started saying “shit”. Yep, I guess I say that a lot too. In fact, since Greta started saying it, I’ve noticed that several of our friends and family members use the term pretty liberally as well. So, who knows where she first heard it? The fact is, she says it sometimes and all we can do now is lead by example, put a penny in the bad word jar every time we swear, and, you know, shame the hell outta her when she does it too. Just kidding. Kinda.

So, the latest twist on all this played out yesterday. I was waiting to make a left turn at an intersection that I have since vowed never to use again (Fuck you, Riverside and Hollywood Way!! Seriously, get a green turn arrow already!) and I got really, really mad at another driver. And just when I was about to let loose with some choice profanity, I caught a glimpse of Greta’s face in her little rearview mirror and stopped myself.

And what did she do? She smiled and said: “Daddy said a bad word.” I was like: “Um, no, Daddy did not say a bad word.” Greta just smiled again and said, and I kid you not, she actually said this: “Daddy thought of a bad word.” Great, now she’s reading my thoughts too?

Urgh…we’re gonna need a bigger bad word jar.

Family Road Trip Rule #1: When in doubt…bribe!

Hit the road last week for our annual road trip to Oregon to visit my wife’s family. It’s a long-ass drive, but we love road trips (yes, even with a two-year-old in tow) and the time spent just hanging out with the niece, nephews and assorted brothers and sisters-in-law on the family farm is kind of, well, rejuvenating. I don’t know if it’s the country air or what, but, man alive, do we go home relaxed!

Anyway, I firmly believe that a huge part of the adventure is the actual act of driving there — seriously, we have found that even short-jaunt road trips are great for the soul — and since no one wants to have their soul-cleansing road trip ruined by a screaming toddler, I give you, Family Road Trip Rule # 1: When in doubt…bribe!

I don’t care what your kid’s favorite thing is (be it a food item, a beverage, toy or DVD) but secretly pack a lot of them in your car before you leave. Emphasis on the secret part, if they know how many you’ve packed, your screwed. Bribery only works when your child thinks that the desired item they will do anything for is in very limited supply. So hide your loot well!

Right now, Greta will do almost anything you ask her to for a Trader Joe’s Organic Fruit Leather. I don’t know exactly why she loves them so, but she’d seriously take a bullet for the strawberry variety…it’s crazy.

So, we packed 25 of them in a secret stash in the car, and the minute she acts up or won’t finish her meal or, well, any time she’s just being a typical two-year-old on an eight-and-a-half hour car ride, we bribe her. “Greta…if you do blank, we’ll give you a fruit leather.” we purr in her screaming, red-faced direction, and she calms down almost instantly.

If I wasn’t so happy it worked, I might be a little freaked out by it, but at the end of the day…it works. Like a fucking charm. Every. Single. Time. So, who cares why?

With order restored in our car, we crank up the tunes and resume our lovely road trip in peace…or, you know, until the next big blow up.

Happy 70th birthday, Krzysztof!

Well, guess who didn’t fall asleep on her own again tonight? Yep. I sat in there with her for two-plus hours, but, she didn’t actually fall asleep for real until I left her screaming and crying in her crib and headed to my office to blog. Oh, the joys of parenting…

In any case, now that I have a few minutes before sleep completely overtakes me I can blog a hearty happy birthday message to the late, great Polish filmmaker Krzysztof Kieslowski. He would have been 70 years-old today and not only did he make some of my favorite films of all time, but his unique visual style and beautifully-interwoven storytelling techniques have informed everything I’ve written or wanted to write since I first saw his film “The Double Life of Veronique” way back in the early 1990’s.

Simply put, the man was a genius who died way before his time…makes me wonder if he had kids that kept him up all night too? Ha! Either way, Kieslowski completed at least two other masterworks before his death in 1996, the groundbreaking “Three Colors Trilogy: Blue, White, Red” and his indelible, early-career masterpiece, the ten-hour TV miniseries,“The Decalouge”.

If you haven’t seen any of his work yet, today is a great day to start. Celebrate the mad genius tonight by watching one (or if you have time, all) of his films…you will not be disappointed. Seriously, there was no one like him.

Oh yeah, on their Facebook page today, the cool cats at the Criterion Collection posed an interesting question by basically asking which title fans preferred: “The Three Colors Trilogy” or “The Decaloque”? Makes you wonder if their cooking up a cool Criterion reissue or two, huh? I couldn’t chose, but if I had to, I’d probably vote for “Decalogue” just because it has the least cool of the versions already on DVD. But, wow, the thought of them both coming out again via Criterion is kind of badass too. I can just imagine the cool box art…wow!

Happy birthday, Krzysztof, we miss you…