Routine Surgery

So, I had umbilical hernia surgery last week. I won’t go into the grisly details, because, well, it’s really gross and I just don’t have the stomach for it (pun intended). But, rest assured that it was a fairly simple in-and-out surgery.

I checked into the hospital at 6:00AM and was home by 1:30 or 2:00PM. Easy peasy. Except for the part where I thought I might die or stroke out on the operating table. Don’t laugh, stranger things have happened during so-called “routine surgeries,” and the things they asked me before surgery made it a million times worse. “Do you have a religious preference?” Huh? For what? My last rites?! Oh, man, I was totally wigging. You name an ailment and I was convinced I would not only catch it, but die from it, last week while at the hospital. Crazy!

Needless to say, I am safe and sound now at home. I’m feeling much better, but, the pain meds are still totally tripping me out. I keep dreaming about Asian chicks, not in a creepy sexual way or anything, but, they’re just there, like, in every dream. Lucy Liu has been a regular this past week, and Michelle Yeoh has dropped by, as has my sister-in-law, Laura. Actually, Laura makes sense at least, since she practically moved in with us, after I got home from the hospital, to take care of Greta. Thanks again for that, Laura, you rock!

The best Laura story was the first day after the surgery, she came over before I even woke up and let herself in. Greta woke up and started pestering me for food or water or something (I know, the nerve of that kid!) and as I was coming out of a druggy fog to respond, I heard this angelic little voice calling out to us both from the living room. “Greta, I’m here. What do you need, sweetie?”

Perking up at the sound of Aunt Laura’s voice, Greta ditched me so fast my head spun. It was hilarious. But, it was also really wonderful to be able to fall back into a deep sleep and know that Greta wasn’t juggling knifes or something in the kitchen. Whew. Thanks again, Laura.

Anyway, another thing I noticed during the last few days is that my surgery really freaked Greta out. She hasn’t said anything about it directly, but, her demeanor has been strange all week. She’s been very moody and temperamental and has been very curious about what happened to me when I “was gone” — Mrs. Yeti and I had to be at the hospital so early on surgery day that we had Laura spend the night and wake up with Greta after we’d left — and she’s even asked me when I’m leaving again. I have assured Greta that I’m not going anywhere, and she was pre-warned several times that we would not be there when she woke up on surgery day, but, something tells me she’s still a little skeptical about the whole thing. It’s weird.

We’re doing our best to show her how much better I’m feeling and that I’m on the mend, and Greta is very excited to go with me to the doctor on Monday to remove my bandages (urgh, at least one of us is!). So, hopefully that will bring the whole thing full circle for her. And I’m sure she’ll also mellow out a bit when things finally get back to normal around here.

I mean, in her defense, Greta’s little toddler world has been pretty hectic since we got back from NYC. We’ve had lots of people visiting, lots of indoor time while the sun scorched the earth outside, — BTW, kiss my ass non-believers, global warming is real as shit, deal with it! — both Mrs. Yeti and have been working like fiends, and then this big old belly surgery pops up (again, pun totally intended). Anyway you look at it, things just haven’t been normal in Gretaland in a while.

And the way this next week is shaping up, that trend should continue until about midweek, when, hopefully, things will get back on track for everyone.

Until then, I guess the Barbies and stuffed animals in our house had better prepare for a whole new wave of belly button surgeries performed by the ill-tempered Dr. Greta. Oh joy…

So not ready for my close-up…

So, today was kinda strange. After several weeks of back-and-forth discussions, Mrs. Yeti and I were invited to appear on a daytime talk show today. I can’t say which one, because it has not started airing yet, but, the experience was completely surreal. The production staff and producers were amazing, the green room was kind of awesome (yep, we got to hang out in our own green room) and the host was very cool.

But, quicker than you can say, “Good morning, Baltimore!”, it was over. It was so weird. I mean, we had been exchanging phone calls with the show’s producers and prepping for the show for weeks. Hell, my brother even made a day-in-the-life video for us, which, sadly, will probably not be used on the show. But, hey, we had fun making it, and someday it will be an incredible time capsule of this crazy period in our lives. So, there’s always that. But after all this build-up, I guess I just thought the actual experience of being on the show would last longer. Alas, it did not.

Oh, and get this, while we were getting ready this morning, I was rushing to trim my beard and failed to check the length setting before applying the razor to my face. And guess what happened? Yep, I carved a giant hole in the left side of my beard. And it was big, the kind you can’t cover up with make-up or fancy lighting. So, the rest of my face would have to be trimmed to match the hole. The only problem was that my razor was out of charge and we were already running late.

So, I threw my razor in our bag and we hit the road with the upper half of my face shaved and the lower half not. I’m sure it was a lovely site. And perfect timing too. I mean, nothing like shaving off half your beard roughly two hours before you are set to appear on national TV. Who doesn’t love making radical changes to their looks right before a major event? Urgh…

And on top of all that, the clothes I brought to wear on the show (we each had to bring three or four outfits for them to check out) were vetoed and I ended up wearing a shirt they bought for me. Oh, that’s right, I forgot to mention the part where they called us last week and asked us for all of our clothing and shoe sizes. They asked us to describe our teeth too, which seemed odd, but hey, you do what you gotta do when Hollywood comes calling.

Anyway, the shirt was fine, it was kind of a retro bowling polo, you know, the kind Guy Fieri wears all the time. Which is cool and everything, but, it is definitely not how I normally dress, and when you couple that with the khakis I wore and my newly shorn beard, well, I felt like the freaking King of Queens or something. Nothing against Kevin James. Seriously, I love the dude. But, I have always thought he’d look way better with a beard. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.

So, I was nervous, totally uncomfortable with how I looked and definitely with what I was wearing — Mrs. Yeti had it much worse, she actually had a top-to-bottom outfit change that left her looking like a bank teller, but, she still looked beautiful in my book —  and on top of all that, I was sweating like a pig. Anyone who knows me knows that I often sweat like a pig, but, when I’m nervous, whoa…it’s a hundred times worse.

Luckily the make-up crew was there to powder out my sheen at every turn and I ended up looking pretty decent by the time the cameras started rolling. But, after that, I don’t remember a thing. Literally! We came “back from the break”, the host chatted up some other SAHD’s on the stage and then said that there was another SAHD in the audience who she had a couple of questions for. That was me. I remember the host heading over, asking me to stand, shoving the microphone in my face and that was it. I kid you not, I went totally blank. I remember bits and pieces of things I said, and I remember Mrs. Yeti standing up and adding her two cents, but, the rest is a total blur. Crazy, huh?

And then it was over. We gave back our borrowed clothes, thanked the wonderful support staff behind the scenes — I’m not kidding, I have been on a lot of movie and TV sets and that team rocked! — grabbed a couple of waters from the basket on the table in our green room and left. Four hours never flew by so fast.

Luckily for us, my brother and sister-in-law were with us every step of the way. They sat with us in the green room before and in the audience during the entire taping, so, keep your eye out for a dude in a tan jacket and a sassy Asian chick in shiny shoes when the show airs! Anyway, they told me what I said and didn’t say during the taping, which helped. But, I guess I won’t really know how lame or cool (or both!) I looked until the show airs, which, like I said above, has not been determined.

Whew…so, that was our day. I’d love to tell you more about what we discussed and why we were chosen for the show in the first place, but, for now, all I can say is that our episode concerned families. I’ll fill you in on all the other juicy, behind-the-scenes details when I am at liberty to do so. Stay tuned for further updates…