Tag Archives: losing weight

My Time

Spent Saturday ringing in the 80th birthday of my Grandmother with family and friends. The party itself was great, lots of food, retro candy bars, pink lemonade, sweet-ass cupcakes and entirely way too many songs sung by my aunts and uncles. Yep, you heard me right, during the speechifying portion of the party, several of the children sang their tributes to my Grandma and it was…well, kind of a freak show.

It’s not to say they can’t sing, because some of them totally can, but, wow…watching these grown-ass men and women duke it out for their solo in the spotlight was beyond unsavory. Fearful that one of his siblings might be getting more attention than himself, one of my uncles actually started juggling in the middle of the after-party at my Grandma’s house. Juggling! He even brought his own juggling clown bowling pins and shit. Like I said…total freak show.

Anyway, at that same after-party I struck up a conversation with one of my singing aunts (who is usually my favorite of the freak show faction of the family) and told her how great she looked. “Have you lost weight?” I asked. “Yes, almost 25 pounds!” She purred back. I pressed her further for details — which wasn’t hard, considering how much this aunt likes to talk, especially about herself — and she explained that she too was on Project X.

Hearing this, I got very excited and told her that Mrs. Yeti and I were trying really hard to stick to the tenets of Project X ourselves. Hearing this, my Aunt stopped cold, quickly scanned my body from head to toe and said: “Well, when it’s your time, you’ll stick to the diet.” She then leaned in real close, put a hand on each of my shoulders and said: “But, hey, you’re good as you are right now too.”

Silence. I just stood there for a stunned beat, staring at my aunt. Did that big old pot just call my kettle ass fat? I mean, wow, if she’s this nice when I compliment her, just imagine what she’d be like if I said something mean. Of course, I knew her heart was in the right place and that she didn’t mean to sound like a smug, little, newly-thin bitch, but, unfortunately, that’s exactly what she sounded like. And, instead of thinking of some pithy comeback all I did was grumble silently to myself, for like, fifteen minutes straight, while she spouted off all the great things that have happened to her since she lost the weight. Seriously, she was giving me recipes and shit. It was brutal.

Luckily I was pulled away to the living room at that point by Mrs. Yeti (good save, sweetie!) so, I never got the chance to punch my aunt in her newly flat gut or lay her low with some snappy, withering comeback. But, trust me, I’m working on it, and the next time we meet in the field of battle, dear Auntie, I won’t be so easily defeated.

In the meantime, back to Project X. One week to go till the reunion and whether it’s “my time” or not, I’m gonna lose me some more weight…if for no other reason than to shove it down my Aunt’s warbling gullet. Ah, ain’t family grand?

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Filed under Daddy stuff, Food, Health

The Magic Drawer

I don’t know if it’s Project X — yes, my fat ass is still trying to stay faithful to the diet that never ends! — or the change in the weather or whatever, but, lately, I’ve been feeling strangely hopeful and upbeat about all kinds of shit that used to totally bum me out.

I still don’t have a steady job — however, the two amazingly-cool freelance gigs I scored have helped — I’m like, dozens of pounds away from my ideal weight, and I just sent a check for $415.00 (plus almost $45.00 more for traffic school) to the courthouse in San Diego for a speeding ticket I got at Easter. So, not exactly a banner month in these parts, but, for some reason, I’m totally 100% cool with it. Actually, the online traffic school really, really sucked and took for-freaking-ever! But, other than that, I’m oddly cool with the hand I’ve been dealt of late.

And better yet, I’m also strangely inspired by it. I don’t wanna get all writerly on you, but, we wordsmiths (oops, there I go!) can have some long-ass dry spells. But not lately, man. For the past week or so, I’ve been almost insanely inspired to write. I feel all giddy again like I did when I first started writing scripts. It’s crazy!

Lawrence Kasdan once said that every writer has a giant locked drawer in their heads, and that everything they ever wanted to write and share with the world or just create for themselves was in that drawer in its completed form. And every once in a while, if you were lucky, you’d get to actually open that drawer and peek inside. And when that happened, well, you’d better have a pen handy and you’d better write fast, because you never know when that drawer could close back up on you. In other words, if your magic drawer is open, you best get writing. So, that’s what I’ve been doing.

Oh, I’m also kind of obsessed with movies about writers lately too. I finally watched my new Criterion Collection DVD of Jules et Jim last week and it was gorgeous, even on standard DVD! I’m sorry, but, could that cast and soundtrack be any more gorgeous? Wow! I’m also about halfway through my second viewing of Young Adult, and I’m finding that I love it even more than I did when I first saw it, so, suck it haters! Speaking of haters, next up is my other favorite crazy writer movie, the classic, love-it-or-hate-it Wonder Boys. I can’t wait!

Anyway, I don’t know what caused my magic drawer to open (and stay open!) but, it’s been kinda awesome. And, on top of all that coolness, my cargo shorts are falling off my ass way more than they usually do — seriously, I had to actually tighten my belt the other day! — so, I guess I’m still losing weight too. Which is all great and wonderful, but, now that I’ve written all this shit down, I think I need to go knock on some serious wood before the universe’s checks and balance department turns on me again. So, see ya next time!

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Filed under Daddy stuff, Movie Stuff, Writing Stuff