Aunt Marcia’s Cave of Wonders

My wife’s family has a new house up here, built right next to the old house on the sprawling green farm where they all grew up, and it’s lovely. Big, roomy, plenty of sunlight, a yard that like, literally never ends. But Greta’s favorite feature of the new digs is my Sister-in-Law, Marcia’s, gigantic walk-in pantry. What’s so cool about a walk-in-pantry you ask?

Well, this one is filled to the gills with every type of sugary, sweet, or savory snack food you can imagine. I’m not kidding, it’s like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory merged with Lays and Pringles or some shit. And for a somewhat-crunchy kid who’s biggest so-good-it’s-bad-for-you treat is usually a bowl of strawberry ice cream or a fruit popsicle at the park, this pantry is like, heaven on earth.

At least once, every day we’ve been here, Greta has run inside the pantry, closed the beautiful, beveled glass door behind her and just stared at all the goodies on the shelf. It’s so funny, you can see her through the glass just staring at the stuff in there with these big old, sugar-coma eyes. I know it sounds crazy, but, I’d be a total hypocrite if I said I didn’t get lost in that cave of wonders myself sometimes too. I mean, seriously, did you know they made S’mores Pop-Tarts? Insanity!

Digging around in the cave of wonders it is readily apparent that the major food manufacturers have found a way to make even the most healthy-sounding treat completely fattening. Take for instance the cereal bar Greta had for breakfast the other day. Cereal bars to me sound like something made with granola or oatmeal and honey and stuff. Maybe, if you’re really dreaming big, it might even have some raisins or chocolate chips thrown in for good measure, right?

Well, not this one! The cereal bar Greta devoured in mere minutes last week was made entirely of Lucky Charms cereal (colorful, multi-shaped marshmallows included!) and then brushed with sweet, vanilla frosting. Yep, frosting! I have never tasted anything so delicious and/or bad for you at the same time in my life. It was awesome, and so far afield from anything Greta would ever get to eat at home, that she just about flipped her lid. Actually, I take that back, I think she really did flip her lid. Seriously. She was high as a kite.

So, my advice to her is to enjoy it now. Because, as you well know, snack time at our house is never this good…or, you know, bad. Either way, next week, it’s back to rice cakes and organic fruit leathers for your cute behind…

Family Road Trip Rule #1: When in doubt…bribe!

Hit the road last week for our annual road trip to Oregon to visit my wife’s family. It’s a long-ass drive, but we love road trips (yes, even with a two-year-old in tow) and the time spent just hanging out with the niece, nephews and assorted brothers and sisters-in-law on the family farm is kind of, well, rejuvenating. I don’t know if it’s the country air or what, but, man alive, do we go home relaxed!

Anyway, I firmly believe that a huge part of the adventure is the actual act of driving there — seriously, we have found that even short-jaunt road trips are great for the soul — and since no one wants to have their soul-cleansing road trip ruined by a screaming toddler, I give you, Family Road Trip Rule # 1: When in doubt…bribe!

I don’t care what your kid’s favorite thing is (be it a food item, a beverage, toy or DVD) but secretly pack a lot of them in your car before you leave. Emphasis on the secret part, if they know how many you’ve packed, your screwed. Bribery only works when your child thinks that the desired item they will do anything for is in very limited supply. So hide your loot well!

Right now, Greta will do almost anything you ask her to for a Trader Joe’s Organic Fruit Leather. I don’t know exactly why she loves them so, but she’d seriously take a bullet for the strawberry variety…it’s crazy.

So, we packed 25 of them in a secret stash in the car, and the minute she acts up or won’t finish her meal or, well, any time she’s just being a typical two-year-old on an eight-and-a-half hour car ride, we bribe her. “Greta…if you do blank, we’ll give you a fruit leather.” we purr in her screaming, red-faced direction, and she calms down almost instantly.

If I wasn’t so happy it worked, I might be a little freaked out by it, but at the end of the day…it works. Like a fucking charm. Every. Single. Time. So, who cares why?

With order restored in our car, we crank up the tunes and resume our lovely road trip in peace…or, you know, until the next big blow up.