Tag Archives: vomit

The Purple Plague

Oh, the joy of sick kids. On Tuesday, Greta came down with a nasty stomach bug that left her unable to keep anything down. Actually, she did eat two mini Popsicles yesterday, but, aside from that, nothing. Even water and juice came right back up. It hasn’t been pretty.

The only good thing is that she slept a lot, which meant that I got to sleep a lot too. So, I think that almost balanced out all the sleep I lost from getting up every couple of hours to help her yak and change her nightgown and stuff. Mrs. Yeti, on the other hand, has been totally screwed sleep-wise. Sorry, honey, I owe you a few good naps!

Oh, and then, another wonderful thing happened last night. I wear a tiny mouthguard when I sleep to keep me from grinding my teeth and last night it felt out of my mouth and landed in the toilet while I was peeing in it. Nice, huh? Luckily (or unluckily, as the case may be) for me, I was so immune to cleaning up disgusting things by that point that fishing my mouthguard out of the pee-filled crapper was easy. I mean, at least it didn’t land in Greta’s barf bowl!

And on top of all that, Greta checked out her first Barney DVD from the library. Yes, that Barney. Mrs. Yeti took Greta to the library on Monday night, and, in her sleep-deprived stupor apparently forgot about our ban on the purple demon. Urgh…forget about Greta’s measly stomach flu…the purple plague has been unleashed on our home. Enter at your own risk!

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Filed under Daddy stuff, Food, Health, Mommy Stuff, Movie Stuff

A chipped beef Christmas

OK, so, last time I wrote, Greta had proclaimed herself “healed”. Well…big shocker…she wasn’t. In fact, since my last post, she has been pooping up strangely cream-colored gravy. I know that sounds gross, my apologies if you’re eating your lunch or something when you read this, but, that’s what it looked like. Pale gravy.

Actually, I’m feeling the writerly compulsion to get a little more specific than “pale gravy” here. So, weak-stomached readers, please, feel free to totally free skip to the next paragraph. Anyway, when I was a kid my Step Mom used to buy these weird chipped beef and gravy packets for us. They came in these little plastic baggies that you plopped into boiling water for a couple of minutes and then slit them open and poured the chipped beef, gravy and everything over some toast. I remember it being pretty yummy, but, man alive, it looked like shit. Literally. And now, I can say with some certainty that it looked exactly like what Greta was serving up late last week. Chipped beef deluxe. Extra runny.

Anyway, so, she’s got the shits — or as she so eloquently put it as she thrust her crap-covered hand in my face on Wednesday morning: “Daddy, I threw up in my butt!” — for a couple of days. Then I get the shits, real bad. Then, my Mom arrives Friday afternoon ready to drive with us to my Grandparents house in the middle of nowhere for their annual, all-family, early-Christmas blow-out. Deep down I knew we shouldn’t have gone, but, hey, we were already packed, Mrs. Yeti was working all weekend, and, hello, my Mom did drive way out of her way to commute with us to Grandpa’s. So, I popped my daily limit of shit pills, changed Greta for the tenth time that morning and hit the road. On a Friday. At rush hour. In Los Angeles. As you can imagine, it was a lovely ride.

What should have been an hour-and-a-half drive turned into a three-and-a-half hour slog from hell. I’m not kidding, walking would have been faster. So, we get there, hang out a little bit and have some pizza. Yeah, I know, bad idea. Actually, the pizza was the first of several bad ideas. Let me just say this, when you’re shitting brown water in the morning and you cork it up with diarrhea pills in the afternoon and then hop into the car for a three-and-a-half-hour slow boat to China, pizza is not your friend. I literally felt like I was gonna explode after I ate my first piece. I drank a soda to help me burp it down a bit, but, nothing worked. I couldn’t burp, I couldn’t fart, I couldn’t poo…urgh…I felt like Augustus Gloop stuck in that chocolate tunnel in “Willy Wonka”. Ah, who am I kidding? It felt like Augustus Gloop was stuck in my chocolate tunnel and I wanted him OUT!

So, we’re tired, our hosts are tired (or just old and cranky, it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes) and right before we go to bed Greta, who ate like, two bites of pizza, decides she wants to eat some Cheetos. Ding! Bad idea number two. But, hey, I’m bloated, totally stopped-up and exhausted, so, what the hell, you wanna eat Cheetos in bed? Eat up, kid.

A few Cheetos in, she finally falls asleep, I do too and six or so hours later I have the mother of all bowel movements. I swear to God, I thought I was gonna crack the toilet wide open with that epic, hard-ass turd. Whoo-hoo! But, lemme tell ya, it was heaven sent, baby. And I went back to bed feeling absolutely glorious.

Until about two hours later, when I awoke just in time for Greta to barf on my face. Yep. She got my ear too, but, trust me, the face is the worst. Of course, she was covered in Cheetos-tinted barf as well, so, I stripped her down, stripped the bed and woke up my Mom for assistance. God bless her, she woke up, stared incredulously at the two of us for a minute and then got down to business.

People weren’t due to arrive for the party till 1:00PM, but, we both knew that Grandma would be up in a couple of hours and that the last thing she’d wanna see is a barfy crime scene in her guest bedroom, so, Mom and I worked fast to get that shit cleaned up. And we did. Note to self: If I ever kill someone and need to cover it up…call Mom!

So, the room looked great, but, Greta and I still felt like shit. There was talk of us leaving, but, Greta’s beloved giraffe (who also took a dousing in the face when Mt. Greta erupted that morning) was still in the dryer and Greta had finally fallen into a deep, much-needed slumber, so,we figured we’d stay and see how she felt when she woke up.

Luckily for all of us, Greta felt much better after her long mid-morning nap, so, we stayed. I was still dragging my ass — I have a feeling “dragging my ass” is the new normal this holiday season — but, we ended up having a really awesome time hanging with my Grandparents and the extended family, so, I’m really glad we stayed around.

In fact, I know it sounds kinda corny, but, I think we were healed by the magic of Christmas. Once everybody started to arrive for the party, and they cranked up the Christmas music, and the food and drinks started flowing, I genuinely started to feel better. Greta too. It sounds crazy, but, maybe two cc’s of Christmas cheer was all we needed to get right back on track. Or maybe it was just the food and baked goods (which were out-fucking-standing!).

Either way, the good news is that father and child are on the mend and we still have a whole week till Christmas. So, bring on the Christmas week adventures!

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Filed under Daddy stuff, Good Baby, Holidays